Depression

I has it. My life has become so very small. I never thought I would be this age and be alone and childless. I have few friends and no love life. Not sure where I can go from here.

Loneliness is a terrible thing. It destroys you bit by bit. I would love to be out at dinner or even just hanging out with friends, but as I said before... that's not possible. I don't think I even know how to make my own friends anymore; I tend to grab onto people that are already friends with the small group that I have. But they will never be my direct friends, so there's no closeness.

I'm alone; always alone. It's horrible.

Another death

My upstairs neighbor is dead. I found him yesterday. He was lying on the floor, apparently for a couple of days. Horrific. Poor man; so lonely and sad... and only 41. They think it was a heart attack, but we're waiting for the autopsy. I still can't believe it. I'm in total shock.

It's been ten days

And I'm past the stage where I cry at the drop of a hat. This has been so much harder that I ever thought it would be. She died in my arms. What can I say? I saw her almost every day for 19 years. She was my companion, my friend. I miss her so much. Great, I'm crying again. STOP IT. People are going to think I'm nuts.

She's gone

...

I think my cat is going to die

Bubbles, my beloved pet cat of 19 years, is probably going to pass in the next couple of days. She was my best friend; she's been everywhere with me. How does one stop crying?

Stupid job.

I'm about to have my year-end review... and my boss is late. I don't think it's going to make it any better, but at least it will be shorter, time-wise.

Seriously, I need a new job. I've been a graphic designer for 12 years, but I never started out to be one. Kind of stumbled into it at the time, thanks to a temp job and a desperate need for money. Now, so much further down the line, and I'm in a job where I can't move and am bored. If I leave, I would never get the same salary for what I do know how to do. Luckily, I don't want to do this. Unluckily, my bills will only increase. I'd like to do something different. The question is what.

I used to think I would make a good stand-up comedian, but let's get real -- I wouldn't. Sure, I have some weird stories to tell (the one about the guy who tried to kill me with a flower pot is interesting), but I couldn't sustain any sort of laughing. I'd love to be a writer, but I don't have an English degree, nor have I actually written anything to even begin to qualify me to be a writer. Let's see... I love testing recipes, but I can't actually invent one myself. I'm an excellent bargain shopper, but who isn't these days? I don't tan well, so anything outdoor will not do. I don't handle sickness well, so there goes any sort of nursing/home care/elderly help job. I have a terrible memory and am not all that coordinated in crowds, so waitressing is out. Wow, I really have no marketable skills, other than a good typing speed. Obviously, I don't want an office job.

So, if anyone in the Boston area is looking for someone who is willing to work, just not in an office and with nothing to do with graphic design... call me.

Wow, it's been awhile

I had forgotten this existed — skipped 2007 altogether. Sooooo, since my last visit, I've become an aunt to the cutest little girl in the world (don't be hating; she is the cutest. I will fight to the death on this), I've stopped talking to one of my closest friends because she's a miserable human being, and my bff has dumped her husband and is now preggo and shacked up with at 25yo kid.

Oh, and I'm thinking about becoming a single momma. THINKING. I'm hoping the eggs don't expire. Sad that I can't find anybody to even go out on a date, yet my friend with a ton of kids already can find someone and get knocked up. Maybe I'm lacking pheromones. Or the grouchiness is too strong. Nah, couldn't be me... famous last words. I need a dating coach.

It's weird how life changes so much around me, yet I stay the same. I need to get out of my rut. Anybody have any advice?