Weird things happen in threes

Or is that deaths? Anyway, third weird thing in a row. I go to check out my groceries at Stop & Shop, and the checkout guy is this mountain of a guy. Young, though, probably around 19. Ginormous. Could pick me up by the scruff of my neck to say hello. Hands the size of dinner plates. That big. I'd describe him more, but I'm running out of cliches.

So Mountain Checker waves a box of butter over over the laser beam thingie, and then, it happens. He opens his mouth to ask me a question and the voice of Minnie Mouse emerges. "Miss, do you have our discount card," he asked me high-pitchedly. Honestly, it took me five seconds to realize what he said to me. I don't remember what I said back as I almost had a seizure from holding in my laughter. Have you ever had to stab yourself in your hand with your keys in order not to laugh? Poor guy.

Punchout at the Dunkin' Donuts

My life is so weird. I can't make this shit up.

So I'm using a cane (I hurt my knee and no, it wasn't an on-the-job injury, pigs), and I'm jonesing for a delicious coconut iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. 'Tis spring, you know, which is the start of iced coffee season across New England. As I hobble to the store door, there is this guy just standing in the doorway. He kindly opened the door for me, and I thanked him, thinking "what a nice fellow, holding the door for a temporary cripple like me." I'm like that.

Anyway, as I stand in line, I hear a man talking and then a shout and some running sounds. I turn around, and some poor guy was standing there holding his face -- he happened to be of Indian descent. Apparently, the door-holding dude had said something racist to the Indian guy, who then said something back, and door dude didn't take kindly to it. WHAMMO He punched the poor Indian guy in the face! Then the coward ran away. It happened about six feet from where I was standing -- and I MISSED THE PUNCHOUT! Dammit. This was about as close to a real streetfight as I'm ever going to get, and I missed it.

I should wear one of those helmets that cyclists use with the rear-view mirrors attached. It would go so well with my cane. Then they forgot to put Sweet n' Low in my coffee. Bastards.

Things you wish you never heard

One 6 year old to another 6 year old last night at the table next to mine at the Outback Steakhouse: "Yeah, well when I poop, my poop looks like buffalo wings."

I couldn't eat any more steak tips after that.

Toxic Friendships

You ever have a friend that is such an ass you wonder why you're friends in the first place? I have one of those, but I know why I hang on to the friendship -- because a woman in her late 30s that is unmarried has to hang onto her "friends" of the same age, because you need someone to go to a bar with occasionally. Shallow, I know -- and don't forget sad. I dread being lonely more than I dread the slings and arrows of someone wearing the cloak of friend.

Let me tell you about my friend. We'll call her Toxina. She's a little older than I am (over 40), never married (me either), and is an attractive, professional woman (I like to think I am, too). However, Toxina couldn't be more bitchy about everything. She needs to be the center of attention at all times, and has even created her circle of friends in such a way that each person is only friends with her; the rest are acquaintances to each other. If Toxina thinks you have something better than she does (better car, better job, better hair, skinnier, younger, prettier, etc.), she doesn't have a good thing to say about you and goes out of her way to make catty remarks -- even to your face under the guise of being "funny." It isn't funny -- it's cruel.

Here's an example of how much fun it is to go out with Toxina. Toxina will occasionally like to go out to dinner or get a drink. However, if she hasn't suggested it or if the place is out of her comfort zone, she will not go there. So you go to a place on her approved destination list. Let's say it's a bar. Now Toxina's idea of a bar is not an upscale place, it's more casual, which is fine with me. But she will choose one that is near a college, so everyone in there except us and the owner are 21-25. So we'll get a beer or something and chit chat about work and dieting and whatnot, while the conversation invariably goes on to systematically rip apart the people around us. It doesn't help that Toxina forever has a bored sneer on her face, so even if a guy wanted to talk to us, one look at that face and they'd run for the hills. We finish our drinks and our chit chat, leave, and then listen to Toxina ramble on about how there are no men around, everyone's 15, why are all the girls half dressed -- I could go on for HOURS. It's sad; it's pathetic; but how does one help someone realize what they're becoming without losing their company?

I don't want to be like Toxina. But I will go out for a drink with her, just to get out of the house. How bad is that? Yes, I know that makes me into a user, which in and of itself is just awful. I need to make more friends and leave her alone in her misery. Better yet -- I need a boyfriend. Anybody interested?

Don't See Failure to Launch

Fucking HORRIBLE. Inbetween listening to SJP squeal every other moment to watching her makeup change from frame to frame due to the digital touching up of her haggard self, it was hard to focus on the dumbest. premise. ever. The only thing that saved me from running out screaming? McConaughey managed to be shirtless for about half the movie. They should make a movie just starring his abs. I'd go see it.